and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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