you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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