You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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