I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
