i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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