dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
