Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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