I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
