New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
