Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
