Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
