I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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