I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
