so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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