My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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