I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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