after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
