woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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