I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
