Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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