Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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