I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
