I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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