Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
