Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
