Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
