It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
