Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
