your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
