Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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