FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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