If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
