I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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