The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
