The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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