she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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