i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
