I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
