So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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