I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
