i need an iv and a liver transplant
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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