You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
