i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
