he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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