I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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