I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
