Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
