You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
