I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
