I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
