The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
