I think im going to throw up on grandma
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
