Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
