i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
