If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
being pregnant is like rehab
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
