Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
