My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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