he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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