3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
