Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
