why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
two words...techno handjob
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
